I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Cha-ching is my safe word
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.