Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
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How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine