Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
these two trucks have the same bed length
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Beware of the dog..
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.