Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.