His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
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none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
*seductively eats two tums*
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles