I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Yes
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
twitter users today:
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.