ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
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By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
yall want some gasoline milk
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.