9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Thank you corporation very cool
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad