There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Kids, do not try this at home!
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”