Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
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Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
It’s an epidemic…
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.