Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.