Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
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*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Finally a use for spoilers…
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
o shit
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile