Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.