If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
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Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.