Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me