why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
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My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I think they could have phrased this better
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.