Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
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ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing