I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
smh
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s