Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
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I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
My neck, my back, my…
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
No way!
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
genie: please no
millipede: more legs