Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
You Might Also Like
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Found the job I’m suited for
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*