I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
2022: I can fix it
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet