Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.