“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Yes, but it was never about money
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.