Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.