Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
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Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
Dune (2021)
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
necessity is the mother of invention
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss: