The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
All set.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Ok, but like, how married are you?