A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
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Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.