How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
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An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers