Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Saturday
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
how do y’all walk in shallow water
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*