Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
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My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.