With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
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Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Lmao 🤣
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend