Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
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*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Dietest Coke
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.