GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi