TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
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Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD