subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
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I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl