[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking