Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
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One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.