All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
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WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.