business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.