me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
wish me luck lads
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
#parenting
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.