Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’