Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
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I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.