“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American