2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein