ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
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*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Finally
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories