Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
This was the best day of my life
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Real House Wines.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.