Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
It’s actually Dr. whatever
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
😂😂😂
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day