serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
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PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Education is vital
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
grotesque if literal: baby food
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?