I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
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*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
being a writer on Twitter:
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.