OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
This hospital has everything
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉